It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
