I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
