we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize