I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
