Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
