I wanna bring you to show and tell
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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