Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
