how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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