FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
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