The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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