Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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