at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
