I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
