my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
