OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
