please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
