I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
