Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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