Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
