started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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