Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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