What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Hippo gnu deer
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
