It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
