You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
