she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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