wanna go halves on a baby?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
