I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
