I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
