true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
