Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
