Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
