Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
