Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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