I want to have your abortion
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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