Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
All the doctor said was why
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
