I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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