I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
