Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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