I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
