We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
