You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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