There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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