we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I want her autograph on my taint
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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