Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
