i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
