I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Randomize
