the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
