So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
