I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
did i walk over a car last night?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
