Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
