dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
