saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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