I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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