I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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