Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
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