Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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