I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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