Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
